The Unbroken Paths of Samantha’s Life

“I won’t be, Mommy,” the little boy said. His expectant eyes looked up. His mother smiled gently, tilting her head toward him.

“You are so sweet. I was just afraid that you would be disappointed, since I cannot get you what you want,” Samantha replied. She handed the small box to the boy, who took it and unwrapped it with eager hands. He looked at the toys inside – action figures that were not in individual boxes like you see in a store but nevertheless placed in the box with care, on a bed of newspaper.

“Thank you Mommy. I love you so much.”

Samantha wanted to say “Happy Birthday” but she could not. Her eyes were already betraying her, tears blurring her vision even as the little boy fell to his knees and began animating two of the small dolls, one in each hand, already lost to a universe of his imagination.

She tried to look again, but her weeping made the colors fly and mix and her mind repeated the phrase, “I won’t be.” No, he wouldn’t be disappointed with her effort to give him a gift because what he loved was her, and what she loved was him, and in this case it truly was the thought that counted.

I won’t be. He had said that. I won’t be. “You will be,” she thought. She thought back on his first five years of life. The hard times, the struggles, but also all the moments together. She regretted much, but she appreciated much more. “You will be,” she thought and in this she was thinking of the future, the development of her son into a thoughtful soul who would seek adventure, who would live life, who would always have her constant love for him as a firm foundation wherever life and his spirit took him.

In this time of reflection, she had closed her eyes, and when she opened them she was in her apartment, alone. There was no child, no toys, nothing but the normal cheap things you find in an apartment that are meant to approximate real furniture, the appearance of and aspiration for nice things. Yet her tears were real. What would she do?

She put her jacket on, grabbed a single water bottle, her sunglasses, her purse, her keys and left her apartment, locking the door behind her. Standing in the breezeway, she texted Paul. “I h8 this. Scared. R u coming over l8r?” Then she walked to her car, got in, and started the engine. From her purse she pulled out the directions she had printed on mapquest. Her appointment was at five. It was a two hour drive so she’d be well early. Her phone vibrated and she looked at the text message waiting for her. “Sorry! Call when you get there or if you need anything. This is the right thing. I will see u ltr. Xoxo –p.” That was it, little black pixels lighting up on a gray screen was all the emotional support she’d get. Of course, Paul was at work and he’d come over when he was off. That was nice of him.

She pulled out of the apartment complex and headed toward the highway. The drive to the clinic was going to feel like a long way, but she was sure it would be much worse coming back. Her mind swam. She could not focus on the road. She could not. Her thinking mind was rerunning conversations with Paul, with friends, with herself.

“I won’t be,” she heard again, in a tiny voice. But this time the image of the little boy was fading. She could barely see his tussled hair, his blue eyes, his big pupils focused on her. He was fading. The put-it-together-yourself coffee table she could still see. The television she could still see glowing some meaningless image. The tan carpet covered in part by a colorful throw rug she could still see. But the boy was fading. Her son! No, she had no son. This was just a daydream, a nightmare in light.

She knew it had not stopped there. She knew he had said more. But his voice would no longer speak those words. All she heard was, “I won’t be.” And this time, he was not there. Just his voice, and even the texture of it was fading. The dream had seemed real, even though it was not, but how strange that it should all be so vivid still, the image of her living room. Yet the subject of the dream – her imaginary son – had faded away.

The tears returned and harder than before. She could not stop now. They had agreed. This was not just her decision. Plus it was the right thing; Paul had said that again just minutes ago. She was in no position to face this responsibility. Yet she thought she was in no position to ever hear again a tiny voice, her tiny voice, say, “I won’t be.”

She did not turn South on the Interstate toward the clinic. Instead she continued West, not turning. She was not thinking now; she was just driving. Miles went by and she listened to the radio, but she did not think. She was running away. She had lost control – of herself – and she knew it and she could not confront it.

Her car began to pitch up and then down on the slowly emerging waves of terrain that marked the border of mountain country. She continued to drive. She reached up and turned her right blinker on at an exit that said, “Exit 248 Prescott Long Mountain Wilderness Area.” She thought after doing it that it would be nice maybe to go up to the Wilderness Area and take a short hike and get her thoughts together. She could do that and call for another appointment and tell Paul she had gotten lost. That’s what she would do; she would give herself a little break and then get back on track again.

She followed the signs on ever more curvy and steep roads until she turned onto a dirt road that followed a ridge. Her car left a spray of dust and gravel behind it, lit in the mid-afternoon sun like an orange cloud behind her. She passed several parking areas for trailheads and kept going until she found one that had no other cars in it, even though the last one she had passed had had but one old truck, it’s color closely tied between green, dust, and rust, with rust certainly having the long-term advantage.

Samantha parked and got out. It was quiet. There were no sounds, except those she made. She walked over to the bulletin board/trailhead sign, the crunch of her shoes on the scattered gravel sounding like small explosions against the total silence that enveloped her. She looked at the map, but it had no meaning for her. She did not bother to read anything on the sign, other than the large engraved message at the top: “Welcome to Long Mountain Wilderness Area.” It was obvious where the trail started, so she started on it. Just as she entered the woods, she saw a wooden box on a small pole, about three feet off the ground. It said on a small message on the front, “Leave hiking plans here.” She laughed at the thought of that. Who would have a hiking plan? Just hike!

She headed out into the woods alone, looking for a place to sit and look out over the valley and find her thoughts again. She walked til she could see the light through the trees. Had far she’d gone she did not know. In the ageing afternoon, the sun poured through the trees now and not down on them. More light meant less trees and she was sure she’d find a spot to look down on the valley soon and then sort things out.

And there it was, the valley below. She could see the reflection, like a mirror, distant below, of the river. So far away it was silent. She saw a rock that jutted out away from the ridge’s edge that looked to her to be the place she had come for. She left the path and picked her way toward it.

She felt the ground give way under her feet and she began to move downward. She fell to the ground but did not stop sliding. She was moving faster. Dirt and leaves flew around her, and then she stopped, and then all was black.

- - -

“Are you ok?” came a voice out of the woods. Samantha raised herself up, only to see a man walking to her. He wore faded jeans, a flannel checked shirt, had a pack on, a hat, old tan boats, and wore a scraggly gray beard that mixed with his scraggly gray hair that shot out from under his cap. He was using a walking stick, one that had been carved so that the top of the stick resembled the head of a mountain man, one that had a passing resemblance to its owner. As he approached, she could see his weathered skin and pale blue eyes. They both seemed like they wanted to smile, but could not, overshadowed as they were by an expression of concern.

“Yeah, I think so,” Samantha answered. She brushed off her legs and then her shirt. “Well that’s good. I heard you tumbling and I wasn’t sure what it was,” the old man said. “You’re lucky to take a fall like that and come out in one piece.” “Well maybe I was due some luck,” Samantha replied, surprised by her response she smiled. At this the old man smiled back. “It looks to me like you are taking a bit of a break at the moment. Do you mind if I join you?”

“That suits me fine,” Samantha said, “I do need to gather myself a bit.” “I’m Jes,” the old man said, as he sat down on the ground, placing a weathered canvas pack beside him, and placing his walking stick over his folded legs. “I’m Samantha,” Samantha replied.

“What brings you here?” Jes asked, as he withdrew a canteen and a small bag of nuts from his pack. “Gravity, I’m afraid,” Samantha answered. Jes laughed and Samantha did too. She was not used to making anyone laugh, but then she wasn’t used to sitting at the bottom of a steep slope in a Wilderness area with no idea where she was. “Actually, I just came out for a walk and I’m afraid I’ve gotten myself lost, even before the fall.”

“That’s good news,” Jes said. Samantha looked at him, waiting. “I mean, it’s good news you are lost. Because if you are lost, well it is quite easy to be found. In fact, these days, I think it is a lot harder to get lost than to get found.”

Samantha was not quite sure what to say to this. For some reason, she thought about when she had started into the Wilderness, her car and everything she knew disappearing behind her as she entered the forest. “Maybe so,” was all she could think to reply.

“What’s your plan?” Jes asked.

“Plan?” Samantha replied, “I really don’t have one. Can’t you tell?”

Jes smiled. “Well let’s narrow it down then to your plan for the next few hours. You’re half way down this ridge. Are you going up or coming down? Are you making camp here?”

Samantha didn’t know any of this. She remembered she had come from higher up, the ridge. “I don’t know,” she said in kind of a whisper.

“How about this, then. We are both in the woods and neither of us have any business doing any more hiking this late in the day. I’m going to make camp here. Why don’t you stay here with me, and then we can figure out what you need to do and if I can help you I will,” Jes offered.

Samantha couldn’t believe she’d consider sharing camp with an old man she didn’t know in a forest, lost. However, the alternative was not having a camp with anybody, in a forest, lost. “Yes, let’s do that,” she said.

Jes reached over to his pack and picked out various items as Samantha watched. An old lantern, with a wick in it. A couple of blankets. A little box that Jes opened to gain a lighter, which he then used to light the lantern.

“Oh it gets dark down here faster than you’d think. Once the sun goes down over the Western ridge, the valley gets dark pretty quickly,” Jes said as he worked. He stood and threw a ragged rope over a branch. He tied his pack to one end of the rope and then tied the other end around the tree, suspending the pack about four feet off the ground. “I do this to keep bears from getting too interested. Once I’ve got everything I need I’ll haul it higher up.”

“Bears?” Samantha said, her eyes focused on Jes. “Oh we won’t see any, but it’s a good habit,” Jes laughed. “Smaller critters too can take to your gear, so it’s just a good idea.” Jes continued to work, securing one blanket above the ground, forming a kind of lean-to, and then placing the other blanket inside. “I call it home,” he said, smoothing out the blanket.

Jes stood up and reached into his pack pulling out a bag of something. “Trail mix?” he said, offering the bag to Samantha. “No, thanks,” she said.

“Well, you’ll need to eat soon. You have to keep your energy up out here. Now, where are you trying to get to, and if you don’t know that where’d you come from?” Jes asked, sitting down once again, digging into the trail mix.

“I don’t know. I don’t know. I just came here on a whim. I just wanted to hike around. I guess I fell. I don’t know where I’m parked,” Samantha said, her voice becoming higher pitched as her body reacted to the fear and uncertainty that was now entering her mind.

“Ok, ok,” Jes said. “First rule here is don’t panic. And don’t give up. It doesn’t really matter where you came from. And where you’re going? Well, if you keep at it long enough, you’ll get there, doesn’t matter where that is.”

Samantha didn’t answer this. She didn’t know how.

“Today is done. Tomorrow we’ll get you out of here. How about that? I’ll help you find the trail,” Jes said.

Samantha was comforted by this, even though she had no clearer plan than she had had minutes before. Why did she feel better?

“You know this valley and these mountains, millions of years ago, were much, much bigger. But I like it like it is right now. I like the trees, I like the quiet, I like that I always know where the bottom is and where the top is, and that I can go from one to the other and still be ok,” Jes said, as he wrapped up the trail mix bag and grabbed a stick that he began to survey.

“I suppose you’re frightened, not knowing where you are. But why do you need to know exactly where you are? This valley only seems scary. There’s lots of things that live here year round. You can make it for a day or so. And like I said, once you let yourself be part of this place, you can feel where you are. You know what you’ll find if you go up and you know what you’ll find if you go down.” Jes stopped talking and pulled a knife out of his pocket and began whittling the wood.

Samantha watched and then said, “Well what are you doing here? Where are you going?”

Jes didn’t look up or stop whittling. He answered,” Me? I’m just here wandering around. I’ll leave in a few days, whenever I’m done, which is whenever I happen to be done. And then I’ll come back soon. I never like leaving. But, that’s the price you have to pay so you can come back again, which I greatly like. It’s new every time, even though I know it well by now.”

Samantha gave out a loud sigh and said, “Well I’m never coming back. This isn’t for me. I’m lucky I’m not dead and I’m lost and I’m nasty and I don’t know where to go.”

Jes did not respond.

Samantha became worried she had offended the one person in the world who could help her. She said, “Hey, look, I didn’t mean anything by that. I’m just saying this isn’t for me.”

Jes stopped whittling. “Well, what is for you?” he asked.

Samantha started to answer but then didn’t. What was for her? Wasn’t she here because she didn’t know, or because she knew there was nothing for her, nothing but what other people wanted, nothing but a routine existence.

In the fading light, Samantha just looked at Jes, who spoke again, “It seems like you have a better idea of what you don’t like than what you do like. Now in my experience, somebody like that does a lot of banging around, running away from things instead of enjoying things. And here you are, fallen and banged up. Of course, I’m just an old man.”

Samantha wasn’t sure whether she wanted to let him have it for being rude or say nothing. Instead of either, she spoke, hearing her thoughts aloud with no more advance notice than Jes was getting, “Well I guess that’s about right. I’m a runner, then. Except not on a track. I’m here because I couldn’t face some things in my life right now. I wish things were different but they aren’t. Sometimes I feel like giving up. Sometimes…” Her voiced trailed away.

“Ah, well, don’t do that. Don’t ever give up. Nobody was born to give up. That’s something you have to talk yourself into. Giving up isn’t nature’s way; it’s what people do to themselves when they forget who they are,” Jes responded, his hands busy at whittling again. “Tell you what, why don’t you crawl over into my home there and get some sleep.”

Samantha glanced at the lean to. It wasn’t much, but then it wasn’t the ground either. “I can’t take your tent.”

“You won’t be taking it. I’ll wake you up later and we can switch off – split it. That’s fair and if you don’t accept that you’re just arguing and I don’t like to argue,” Jes said.

“Ok, well thank you very much. Very much,” Samantha said as she crawled over to the lean to and got in. Much more quickly than she would have thought possible, her eyes became too heavy to hold open and she slept.

When she opened her eyes, it was shaded around her, but she could see the sunlight in the tree canopy above. Jes was leaned against a tree nearby, sitting up. His knife and the stick he had worked on lay next to him. He was sleeping.

“Jes?” Samantha said. Jes opened his eyes slowly. “Hey! I thought we were going to split this?” she said.

“I apologize,” Jes answered, “I guess I just slept all night through.” Samantha didn’t believe this but she let it go, considering this stranger who gave up his bed to her. It was quite an act of kindness, and the lean to that she had thought of as nothing she realized was as comfortable as any hotel suite when you looked at the available alternatives.

Jes stretched, folded his knife, put it in his pocket and then spoke. “I did a little thinking last night. I’m thinking you are parked on the ridge. I’m thinking you are parked on the same side of the valley we’re on now. If you’d crossed the river, you’d know it. Probably you couldn’t have crossed it. I’m thinking you maybe came a few miles into the woods before you fell. So, if we head North for awhile and then East up the ridge we’ll find a trail and then maybe where your car is.”

Samantha listened and it sounded reasonable to her. She excused herself to answer nature and when she returned Jes had packed up the lean to and taken his pack down from its rope. “It may take us most of the day, so I figure let’s get going.”

Samantha agreed, and they began picking their way across the ridge. It was steep and there was no trail. Samantha wondered what she was doing here. No way she could have made it without this stranger. “Listen,” Jes said, “We’re going to have to cross some streams, so you need to be very careful.”

This he said, apparently, because they had reached one. Samantha’s legs burned and she ached all over and she was hungry. Jes had not offered breakfast. She looked past Jes at the fast moving stream. It didn’t seem like something you had to be scared of. But when they got up to it, she could see what should have been obvious. The streambed made a clear, slick and steep line down the ridge. If you slipped here you might not live. Jes told her to wait and he crossed slowly, using his walking stick to brace himself. Once on the other side, he tossed the stick to her.

She started across and her feet instantly felt the cold of the mountain water. She also felt how slippery and uneven the bottom was, but with the stick she was able to brace herself and she stepped across. “Wow!” she said, her eyes beaming. “Careful,” Jes answered, “Remember, this isn’t for you. You sound like you enjoyed that.” He smiled at his rebuke.

Samantha handed him his stick back and returned his smile with a smirk. They carried on. “How long would I have to do this before I wouldn’t feel like it was killing me to walk?” Samantha asked.

Jes responded, “Oh not as long as you think. The question is how long would you have to do this before you felt like it was saving you to walk. That’s the question. Walking won’t kill you.”

Samantha asked, “Well how can it save me?”

“By getting you back to your car!” Jes answered and they laughed, taking the moment as a cue to have a break. “And anyway, getting you anywhere you want to go, but mostly just carrying you along, taking you to new places. That’s how it saves you. Every step is your choice. Even right now. Every step. When, what direction, all your choice. So, your future is your choice. You’re choosing to go back to your car. That’s where your feet are taking you then. So forget that. That’s done. Enjoy getting there. Don’t let a moment pass you by.”

Samantha said, “You know Jes, I’m betting you don’t run into a lot of people out here, so you’ve saved all this up and I’m getting the full treatment.” They laughed again and took that as their cue to get going. After awhile, they came to another creek, and Jes suggested they take the opportunity to gain elevation here by following it East and up.

The going was tough as they followed the ridge that stood above the flowing creek, which though sometimes invisible was always audible. Samantha saw Jes pause and she did too. “What is it?” she said. “Do you hear that?” Jes answered. She only heard what she had been hearing, and he had not paused for that. “No,” she answered. “It’s louder. Louder ahead. Let’s move slowly so we’ll be quiet.”

Samantha edged up to Jes and they worked together to move up the ridge, passing the branches of rhododendron to each other to use to help ascend, and to keep from slapping each other with the offended branches, which seemed always intent on returning to their position, regardless of who, and most painfully whose face, was in the way.

“Yes, look,” Jes said after about ten minutes of climbing. “Look up.” Samantha did, and she saw a break in the trees, framed by the grey of rocks, and in that frame she saw water pouring through. A waterfall. “Alright, quieter still, Sam.”

They moved for another few minutes and then they saw it. The waterfall cascaded a good thirty feet to a rock lined pool below, which then allowed the overflowing water to continue in the creek they had been following. It was beautiful. The waterfall caught the sunlight, and flickered like diamonds in motion. The mist caught the sunlight too, and spread it wide, into the shape of a rainbow that shimmered in front of the constant waterfall. “Wow,” Samantha whispered. She looked down to the pool. Jes stood motionless beside her.

At the edge of the pool a rather large black bear was drinking. Behind that bear were two much smaller bears, who were, like most adolescents, more interested in aggravating each other than attending to any task at hand, for instance hydrating. The cubs played and pawed and rolled while their mother studied the pool.

Jes bent his knees until his hands were on the ground. He picked up a smooth stone and turned toward Samantha, holding it out. She looked down at it and then back up to Jes. “Take this and keep it. It is quartz. It is part of the scene here. Whenever you want to come back here, just hold this. You will be back here, your mind will always remember. Do you feel lost right now?” Jes whispered. “No. Of course not. This is beautiful,” Samantha answered. “Ok. Well take it. We need to go before mamma bear decides this would be better without you and me imposing.”

Samantha reached out and took the stone, putting it in her jacket pocket, and then following Jes, she backed down the way they had come. They crossed the creek as they had done before, and there was no doubt Samantha enjoyed it.

The day carried on in this same manner, and Jes took chances as he could to tell Samantha secrets of the forest. As the light began to go sideways, he commented that they should make camp. They discussed where they might be, but Samantha agreed there was no hurry, and that she’d finish the journey the following morning and had no wish to press on into the evening.

Yet as Jes set up camp again, she found herself tired once more and mentioned that to Jes. She refused to get into the lean to, instead insisting that she sleep the first shift on the ground and that she’d wake Jes for the second half to switch. He realized he’d been had.

“Of course. You go to sleep then. I will watch over us; I am not tired.”

“Jes,” Samantha said, “I am scared. I am scared of the night tonight. Of the things I might dream.”

“It’s alright,” Jes responded, his voice soft. “The stars will be out tonight, and their light will find you and shine on you even as you sleep.”

Samantha spread herself onto the ground and lowered her head onto her arm. She was calmed. She looked at Jes, who was lit by the orange glow of his gas lantern, which he had set on a log next to him. He had pulled his knife, and he was, once again, carving a stick. “Thank you,” she said.

He stopped and moved the knife away from the wood. “You ought not thank me.” He looked up and then at Samantha. “Are we not friends?” She did not speak, but he took her continued gaze as agreement that they were. “Then what I do I do for a friend, and that is thanks enough.” He paused, stroking his knife across the small branch twice more, reducing the remaining wood. “We walked awhile together. You saw new things, you saw new places, you learned new things, you became different. We changed together. The paths we seek are not always the paths we take. But even the unexpected trail is still a journey, and anyone who knows the secret of travel knows the journey, not the end, is the real destination.” His knife flicked again, and he shifted the branch round in his hand. “I hope when we part you can remember what it was like. What joy there is in the unexpected. What inner strength you can find in facing the unexpected. There was a time when not knowing where you were was not the same as being lost.”

Samantha listened, but her eyes began to close, until only the small circle of orange surrounding the lantern remained visible. Jes continued, “Only someone who wishes he were somewhere else is lost. So wherever you are, whatever is happening, you can be found just by accepting where you are. Every step after that takes you to a new place but just behind you is somewhere you already know.”

Samantha smiled slightly. She whispered, “Well thank you anyway, Jes. Friend or no friend, thank you. I do see it differently. I miss … I miss my friends and my family. But I am happy, right here right now.”

“Well I will be your friend no matter what path you choose. I will be. Good night Samantha.”

“Good night Jes. See you in the morning.” Jes did not answer, but he turned down the lantern a bit, and Samantha could hear his knife working on the wood, shaping it into something new, something that, she imagined, not even Jes knew now what it would be.

By turns, her world became dark, and she dreamed, across worlds and without fear.

“Samantha!”

“Samantha!”

Samantha saw dark change to light as her eyes slowly opened. She saw the white fade to a swirling mixture of green and brown. She blinked, again and then once again, and the colors formed to shapes. Leaves, trees, clouds, the sky. She realized she was on her back. She had not yet moved.

“Samantha!”

Now her name became part of her reality. A voice she did not readily know was calling her name. This did not make any sense. She lifted her head and placed her hand into the leaf-covered soil to elevate herself. Her body was not prepared for this, and her eyes closed again as a rocket of pain shot from her head through her body and back again.

She reclined and looked around, moving just her eyes. Looking for whom? “Jes?” Her own voice answered the question with a question of its own. She wasn’t sure, even though she had tried to speak, that she had. But it felt like her ears had heard her. There was no response.

Voices in the wilderness. Voices calling names, but no answers.

She hadn’t seen Jes and she was sure she had heard her name called. So she tried to call out and answer. “Hello” came from her lips but even as disoriented as she was she could tell she had made hardly a sound. She tried again, “Hello.” Not much better. She opened her eyes wide and screamed, “Hello!” Her head answered with another bolt of pain. She felt thirsty and closed her eyes.

From the dark she heard it again, “Samantha!” Except this time, another voice joined the first, “Samantha!” She answered again, “Hello!” The pain came again, but she did not close her eyes. She was under a canopy of trees. She was in a forest. She was flat on the ground. Something was wrong. Something was wrong with her. Her mind was searching for answers.

She heard rustling and then much louder, “Samantha!” And then, “Oh my God! We’ve found you.” Four feet appeared around her and a figure dressed in brown and green – the colors of the forest – appeared to her. It – he – was a man, and he knelt down. He had a slight beard and a knit cap that declared, on the front, that it was Mountain Hardwear. He looked concerned. His eyes moved up and down her.

“You are going to be ok, Samantha. It’s all right. We’ve found you and we’re going to help you out of here. Your family and friends have been looking for you and we will get you to them.” Then Mountain Hardwear turned to his unseen companion and said, “Call base and tell them we’ve found her. She’s responsive. Give them our coordinates and tell them we will call again shortly and tell them if we need an evac.” He turned back to Samantha and said, “It’s alright. I’m Ron and I’m with the Park Service. We’ve been worried looking for you, but we knew you were tough and you’d make it. Now hold on with me and we’ll get you out of here. I need to ask you some questions and check you out to see the best way to get you out of here.”

Samantha looked back at Ron and said, “What are you talking about? Where is Jes?” She started to push herself up again, but Ron placed his hand on her shoulder and said, “Wait. Let’s make sure nothing is broken before you try to move.” Samantha was confused, “Broken? I was asleep and now I have a headache, but I’m all right. Let me up.”

Ron removed his hand and Samantha came to a sitting position. The pain flashed through her again and even though she closed her eyes she saw bright light and the world swam around her. Still, she sat up. She did not know Ron, and until Jes came back, she could not let on how badly she felt. Still, now, her head was throbbing.

“Who’s Jes?” Ron asked, as he ran his fingers across her arms and legs, something for some reason she did not resist. “He’s the friend I was with,” she answered. “He must have gone to get some water or something.” Ron said, “It does not look like you have any broken limbs; let me take a look at your head.” He was close to her now, looking at her face and around her head. He touched a spot on the back of her head, and when he did, her universe lit up again, and the pain followed immediately. “Ow!” she rasped.

“I’m sorry,” Ron said quickly. “It feels like a nasty bump, and there is some blood in your hair and on the back of your shirt. Do you know when you got this?”

“No,” she said, thinking that she did not remember any bump on her head, nor had she or Jes noticed any blood on her. Then she saw Ron’s companion coming back toward them, descending from above. She was dressed much like Ron, a shorthaired female who joined them and said, “I spoke with base. Samantha? Hi. I’m Mary. I’m glad we found you.” “Thanks Mary,” Ron said.

“You may have a concussion,” Ron said. “You sound, look, and feel dehydrated and exhausted. It is about a half mile to the nearest trail, and from there about another mile and a half to a fire break. We can call a vehicle to meet us there. I’m a little worried about putting you on your feet for that, but we can carry your pack if you think you can walk for awhile.” Samantha looked back at Ron and then at Mary. It was still tough to think, her head hurt so much.

“Have some water,” Mary said, kneeling beside Samantha, offering her a clear bottle. Samantha did not hesitate. Ron said, “Tell me about Jes. Who is he? What does he look like? Is he hurt too? Did you come here with him?” His eyes studied Samantha as he asked these questions, watching her drink, watching her think.

“Um, I met him in the forest when I was lost. I mean, when I thought I was lost. He was helping me find my way back. He’s my friend,” Samantha answered. She looked down into the bottle, which was now only two-thirds full. She was amazed at the change in her voice after having had a few swallows of water. “Anyway, he’s not hurt. But I don’t want to leave here without him. Without saying goodbye to him.”

Ron and Mary looked around. Ron glanced at Mary, who was already shooting him a sideways look. Samantha saw both. Ron spoke, “Samantha, there was no one with you when we found you. I don’t see any stuff from anyone else or see any signs anyone is here or was here. Don’t take this the wrong way, but if Jes is alright, then we need to concentrate on getting you out of here and getting you medical attention.”

“Well why are you looking for me and what’s the hurry?” Samantha said, now a little irritated. “What if I just want to stay here? Are you going to kidnap me to get me back?” Ron smiled a little. “Of course not. But we’re not leaving either. Three days ago you were reported missing. Two days ago, your car was found at a trailhead several miles from here. We’ve been looking for you since then, and so have others. Everyone was afraid you were hurt or worse. Well, you’re hurt, but I think not too badly. But you weren’t equipped to be out here to begin with, and you’re not equipped to stay. So, we’re not making you do anything, but if you don’t want to come back with us, I’m going to call the sheriff, who has been out here too, and stay with you until he arrives.” He paused, and then continued, “About Jes. It sounds like he helped you but he’s not around now, and it’s just not a good idea to wait for him. He may have moved on. We get some people here who are kind, but also strange. It is also possible that you imagined him. In the kind of shape you’re in, anything is possible.”

Samantha looked back at Ron and then up at Mary. Mary spoke, “Listen, I know you don’t know us. But I’ve worked as a Ranger with Ron for three years and he’s been doing this a lot longer than that. He knows what he’s talking about. He’s right. We want to help you and also that’s our job.”

Samantha looked around, and other than Ron and Mary, all she saw was her pack next to her. She didn’t see Jes, or any sign of him either. She reached up to her head and touched the spot Ron had touched. She let out her breath in response to the pain. “Ok,” she said, “Help me up.”

- - -

Ever since her return, Samantha had been out of sorts. Paul kept bringing up the clinic, yet he also seemed distant. She was sure it was over between them. Her parents had been worried, and that worry had translated to understanding and relief when she’d been found. But now, she was back in her rut. She was still facing the same problems, the same issues, the same feeling that she was doing it wrong. Bland compliance and taking the easy way out was not necessarily safe. And, maybe she didn’t need safe. Maybe she needed to do what her heart told her. Maybe she needed to stop worrying about the future and all the steps she had to take to get there and all the mistakes she needed to avoid and just be.

She had hinted at this to Paul, but he never caught on. She had hinted at this to her parents, but they did not catch on either. Was she catching on? She had not felt settled after being lost in the forest. She felt ready to go, to be. She felt a way toward happiness, but how? Her footsteps. She could control those. And she decided to do just that. She got up and walked to her closet.

Samantha grabbed her jacket and headed out the door. She stormed toward her little car, keys and cell phone in hand. She reached into her jacket pocket to drop the cell phone, and when she felt something she stopped walking. Her hand closed around a small object; it was hard and smooth. She slowly pulled her hand out and looked down, opening her hand and seeing the object in her palm. A small smooth burst of quartz.

She looked at it and in her mind she saw a tall waterfall. She could hear the water falling; she could feel the mist. She could see the bear cubs rolling. Jes stood beside her, watching too. It was a scene, stumbled upon, that was as beautiful as anything she had ever tried or hoped to see. Jes looked at her and his eyes were, somehow, her eyes too. She put the rock back into her pocket, and looked ahead to her car.

“Enough,” she said to no one. Now she smiled. She got into her car, started it, and drove down the street. At the stop sign, she glanced right, the direction she usually turned to go to work. “Enough,” she said again, and she looked left. There was no traffic either way. The engine idled, waiting. She took a deep breath and pulled out, going left. She had half a tank of gas, good for at least two hours of driving.

She didn’t look into the rear view mirror, but stared straight ahead as she pulled out her cell phone. She looked up her contacts, flipping until she found what she was looking for, and then dialed. “Hello,” came through the phone. “Mary? It’s me. Samantha. Remember, you … you saved me. You said to call you if I needed anything.” “Samantha. Well, of course. How are you?” “Oh I’m fine, Mary. But I do need something. I need some answers. I need to know some things I don’t know now.” She turned right onto Ferris Drive, headed toward the interstate.

“Sure, Samantha. What do you need to know? I’m surprised to hear from you,” Mary answered.

“I’m not sure. But I’ve decided I’m not done with the mountains yet, and they are not done with me. And if you are willing to help me with that, then you are not done with me either.”

“Hmm. Ok. Well is there something I can help you with now, or would you like to talk when I’m at work and can get you maps and help you plan a trip?”

Samantha laughed. “I’m not planning a trip. I’m taking a trip! Right now. I’m headed right to where I need to be.”

Mary was curious now, the surprise wearing off. “Where’s that?”

Samantha laughed again, smiling. “How would I know? The trip is the thing. But I tell you what, I’m headed in your direction, if you still live near the Wilderness. If you tell me where you are, I’ll come that way. My trip is on either way.”

“I still live in the same place. I’m still a Ranger,” Mary answered, her surprise having given way to curiosity, which now gave way to uncertainty, which was expressed in her voice.

“You don’t have to tell me, or talk to me, or anything. But don’t you want to? Don’t you want adventure? Don’t you want to be friends with me? I want you to. I want you to share what you know with me. And I can show you how to get lost and found again, which is much more fun than you think it is. Much more fun than it looked when you found me. Either way, it’s on. Choose now, dear Mary!”

Mary thought. She thought about what a strange call this was. She thought about how she had enough going on in her life without any more weird stuff popping up. She thought about how much she loved her job, and what a routine it was. She thought it was wise to tell Samantha thanks but no. But it wasn’t her rational mind that answered.

“Fine then. You don’t know me. I can be crazy too. I love adventure. Why do you think I do what I do?”

“Great. So…” Samantha let the question drift. She had done her part. Mary had to jump in without being pushed.

“So get on I-40 and come West then. You know how to get here. Call me when you get to town and I’ll guide you in. You can come over. I’m having wine whether you are or not. I can hear about what you want to do and we’ll plan it and I’ll help you. I’d like to hear more about what got you out here the last time, and what happened when you were here.”

“There you go Mary. Thanks. I really appreciate this. I look forward to seeing you and talking with you. There’s not a lot I want to do, other than change my whole life. Thanks for offering to help me do that.” Now they both laughed. “And as for what happened when I was there, I don’t really know. But my memories are real. Anyway, it’s not history I’m after. It’s tomorrow I want. I’ll tell you about it, maybe over a campfire you show me how to build, on an overlook I’ve never been to before. See you in about two hours.”

“Well, that sounds good, I think,” Mary said.

“Oh, I’m going to skip the wine, and for a good reason,” Samantha said.

“What’s that?” Mary asked.

“I’m going to be a mother in a few months! How about that? You saved two lives that day and they only gave you credit for one!” Samantha shouted.

Mary was taken aback. She had not contemplated this at all. Wow, the woman she had saved at the park that day was pregnant. The woman she had helped back to the fire break. The woman whose hand she had held to help her out of the jeep. The woman whose hair she had brushed back to clear her face of the dirt of the woods. The woman she had stood next to while she called her family to tell them she was ok. The woman to whom she had given her number, in an earnest offering of help but also not without some hidden hope that there would be a call, and not one for help. This woman was pregnant.

“Congratulations, to – to you, not me!” Mary answered, the delay in her answer seeming nearly infinite to her, yet which went unnoticed by Samantha, whose sense of time was distorted too, but by excitement and not surprise. “So, does your husband, well, I mean, I mean, the father – does he know you’re coming? Remember last time you came this way without telling anyone the trouble you caused.”

“He doesn’t know. He doesn’t care,” Samantha answered. “I’ll explain it later. I don’t mean he’s not going to be important to my son, but I do mean he’s no longer important to me. I’m going to have my life, a life for my son, and a life for me, too. I know my son would want that. I know he would. Well, all I can say, my friend Mary, is that I hope you have an open mind and a heart as big as I imagine it is. If you do, everything will be alright. And thank you again for being my friend.”

“Grape juice for you, then, since you’re drinking for two. And no more dangerous hiking either. I’ll trust what you’ve said since you’re putting so much trust in me. I’ll be here when you get here Samantha,” Mary said. Her voice was warm and steady again.

They said good-bye and Samantha pondered the odds. What was the chance of Mary having agreed to see her and to help her? What was the chance of her wanting to, and then having the guts to, call Mary in the first place. Who cares! It happened. Life was happening again. She looked down at her belly and thought, “Thanks Jes, whether you like it or not. Oh yes, of course I’m going to call you that. Did you think I wouldn’t?” She looked down the road, her headlights now making a brighter path against the fading light of the sun. A new path. To where, who knew? But the journey was already started.

++++++++

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