If you are like most people and have seen
this movie already, my review should only serve to
reinforce your conclusions about the movie, unless you
didn’t understand it. If you are the smaller group of
people who simply have not had the chance to see this movie
because you have been in prison, serving overseas, or were
otherwise physically prevented from seeing it, this review
will help you understand why you should see it although the
fact that I disclose that Will Smith dies could be seen as
a spoiler. If you are in the group of people who could have
seen this movie but just haven’t, what the hell is wrong
with you? This movie has guns, a population-erasing plague,
and zombies in it! This is why film, DVD’s and bit-torrent
were invented (at least when you’re not downloading porn,
you sick bastards). I’m torn between recommending that you
buy the DVD and slice your own throat with it or actually
watch the movie. You decide.
On to the review. Will Smith’s character,
who we will call Will Smith, gets left on Manhattan as a
dangerous plague begins to corrode and destroy
civilization. When the movie opens, the director pulls no
punches. He quickly establishes that Smith is the victim of
something so terrifying, so traumatizing, so uniquely
horrifying that it is destroying Smith’s sanity. Here I’m
talking about that in this apocalyptic New York only Ford
and Apple products remain. Smith, with all of Manhattan at
his feet, must use only Ford vehicles and Apple computers
to survive.
This hell is made, if possible, even more unbearable by the
fact that the rest of the population that remains alive
have been converted into racially-neutral gray night
dwellers who want the blood of any thinking potential
victim. This is a clear nod to the presidential campaigns
and I applaud the director for the edgy allegory.
Anyway, several things are clear. First, Smith cannot get
Netflix or downloads, so he has to brave it to a
Blockbuster to get DVD’s, which he does everyday. We know
it’s Blockbuster because the employees and customers are
all mannequins staring blankly into space. Second, Smith is
working on a cure for the plague that infests all of
humankind, but of course are there any big-pharma drug
companies there to help him? No. His lab consists of some
rats and an array of Apple computers. Third, the
bloodthirsty plague bearers apparently are Vista users
because they are subject to fits of uncontainable rage that
make them want to kill the only Mac user left, so it’s
pretty realistic.
After doing some normal fighting of zombie stuff, filled
with soul-searching imagery and monologue, Smith meets two
more survivors who claim Vermont is full of survivors. At
the last moment, Smith discovers the cure, hands it to the
survivor chick, who like all zombie surviving women only
owns tank-tops, locks her in a vault, and finally blows
everybody and everything else up.
After giving up his family and his life to find the cure,
and delivering it to a woman who risks her life to get it
to the last remaining authority figures in Vermont, the
woman finds out that everyone in Vermont has been buying
the cure just over the border in Canada for $5.00 for a
lifetime supply (this sentence brought to you by the
Foundation for Socialized Medicine). After having a hearty
laugh at the inefficiency of the American drug development
model, they all die within a week after it is discovered
that Canadian drug dispensing clerks had been shipping them
Requip with the explanation, “They were booth round, eh!”
(this sentence brought to you by the Association for Free
Market Medical Solutions)
The end.
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