It's almost July 4, and all across this great land people are preparing to celebrate. People, that is, who aren't men. Men are too busy being castrated by regulations against fireworks that explode, fireworks that go up in the air, fireworks that move, fireworks that do anything other than sparkle. Men are occupied having their balls busted by neighborhood rules against grilling, shooting, noise, fireworks, parking, having self-propelled tools in the yard, and on and on.

Do the words, "And the rockets red glare, the bombs bursting in air" ring a bell? It's a little ditty we call the National Anthem. Based on a different war? Who cares. The point is, we didn't win by twirling sparklers around while wearing fireproof gloves and safety glasses with a water hose nearby.

This year, screw the neighborhood-man and celebrate July 4 the way it was meant to be celebrated! We won a war for independence damn it! Those patriots didn't freeze their feet off at Valley Forge just so some housewife three doors down could get an injunction against your jet-ski being parked next to your garage instead of in it.

Shoot off some heavy shit and let the nannys on the homeowner's association know what it's like to have a couple of balls being swung around in the hood. Here are three sure-fire winners that will put you back on the offensive in your neighborhood.

1. The Baby-Waker

It's best to coordinate this one with a friend who has an airplane, and if possible shoot this one off in a cul-de-sac, because it can really dry out your lawn. This one goes out to all those kids who keep you up at night screaming and yelling in your inconsiderate neighbors' yards. Here are some pictures from my 07 July 4 blow out. It was quite a show!

moab-movie-stills

2. Bottle Rocket

Uh, you're going to need a bigger bottle. Also, it's best to buy two of these and have a friend launch one at the same time you do, with each aimed at each other's neighborhoods, in a little event I like to call mutual assured entertainment. These babies have a 5,000 mile range so your friend does not have to be close. A couple of hints when sitting these off. First, sit the bottle straight up so the rocket doesn't hit your house. Second, run away really fast when you light the fuse. Third, get into a shelter located at least 60 feet underground and stocked with three months food supply and two weeks air supply before your friend's rocket hits your neighborhood. Note, this baby, while really fun, can negatively impact your property values. Here's a picture from our 06 celebration - note the straight bottle really gets this one going up and away from the house.

launch

3. HOA DOA

This one will really show your asshole homeowners' association exactly how you feel about their hectoring over your parking habits or grilling methods. No more neighborhood equals no more homeowners' association. It's best to use a fifty mile fuse, played out all the way, and look away after you light this one. It's also best to change your name and shop for a new home in a South American country immediately too. When you grab your lighter, don't forget your passport!

nuclear-explosion

Enjoy!


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