Are you thinking about visiting the
Seattle area and maybe do a little mountaineering while
you're at it? Here's how you attack Mt. Rainier (not
pronounced Rain-Ear), Kernel of Wisdom style.
1. Step one: Go when the weather is good.
That's it.
Now, if you've followed the steps I've outlined, here's
what you can enjoy, in the form of my trip report.
Our recent assault on Mt. Rainier was an unqualified
success. With minimal preparation we ascended to within
.00001% of the true summit from our original starting point
(North Carolina). Yeah, I know, that's awesome. Here's how
it went down.
Clad in tennis shoes and with provisions of three power
bars and two bottles of water, our climbing team of two
ascended the skyline trail, and then pebble creek trail. We
entered the danger zone of the Muir snow field.
Once there, we began to encounter a
high-altitude species known as the "mountaineer." Where I
come from, mountaineers wear straw hats, have detached
bathrooms from their homes, believe any yard plant should
grow in a tractor tire, and all drive cars or trucks that
can be described as "rust-colored." But up here, in the
alpine environment, things are different. These
mountaineers wear ultra-bright lycra and nylon with
oversized boots and even-Bono-wouldn't-wear-these
sunglasses in a fashion medley that I believe is called
"snow-fag."
Anyway, we saw plenty of these guys and
girls making their way up the mountain, making that journey
of self-fulfillment at the pinnacle of which they may look
down on God's creation and think, "Excellent! I actually
did use all this high-tech gear I bought somewhere else
other than the walk from a parking space to the front door
of REI!"
Back on the mountain, we found our lack of equipment a
potential obstacle on the ice-field. However, it occurred
to us, "Why don't we just walk up these rocks instead?"
Whereupon, we continued up. We stayed on the scree and dry
terrain to avoid busting our asses on the ice, or as the
snow-fags call it, glissade.
Even better than the views over the
mountain range were the looks on the faces of the snow-fags
on the ice who were being passed by two guys in tennis
shows. You could tell they thought they were in serious
country on the Muir ice-field and that the crampons, ice
poles, and what-all were all called for only to be blown
out by a pair of old Mizunos.
And here we are, what a view:
Anyway, as the temperature dipped from
70F to a bone-chilling 65F we stopped on the Muir
snow-field before we encountered white-out conditions,
which really don't look so bad to me. But whatever.
Rather than glissade down the snow-field
we simply walked back down the rocks and retreated to the
lodge. Awesome.
Here are the top five facts about Rainier that you should
know:
1. Go in good weather.
2. Do not go in bad weather.
3. You never know when the weather will be good or bad.
4. There are lots of fat people at the base of the
mountain.
5. There are no fat people at the Muir snow field or
higher.
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