Love the Environment?  Drive an SUV
 
There is only one way to save the environment:  drive the biggest, baddest SUV you can, as much as you can.  Drive often, and drive alone.  Drive for the hell of it.  Drive every day.  Circle parking lots looking for spots.  Wait in fast-food lines with your engine running.  Accelerate madly at every green light.  You’ve got to do it, for the children.
 
Everyone knows that the burning of petroleum emits greenhouse gases that are overheating the world and which will destroy life as we know it.  Everyone knows too that we are constantly being told that oil is about to run out, but then they always seem to find more.  If we don’t burn all the oil up as quickly as we can, we drag out the pollution problem and we give the big oil companies time to find a substitute that will probably be just as bad.  We’ve got to burn up the oil so the prices get sky high and new technology can come online.
 
The bastards at the oil companies don’t want you to do this.  That’s why they sponsor gas-sipping cars like the Prius and the Matrix; they’re testing technology to extend the use of oil!  They want you to use oil at a rate that fits their timetable.  They don’t want to burn it all up too quickly.  
 
But we can catch them off-guard and burn it up before they know it, if we just start driving bigger cars more often.
 
Here’s what’s at stake:
 
If we don’t burn up all the oil in the next ten or fifteen years, then millions and maybe billions of new drivers will be added in countries like China and India.  Don’t think for one second that those countries give a crap about greenhouse emissions.  The cars those people will drive will be cheap and will have nothing between the exhaust header and your lungs but air and opportunity.  If we don’t burn up the oil before they start using it, I’d suggest stocking up on suntan oil, cause the planet will be getting a lot hotter.  And you better take a picture of the ozone layer now, cause you won’t remember what it looked like after the Chinese get done with it.
 
If we burn up all the oil, there will be no more wars in the Middle East.  Everybody believes it; everybody knows it’s true.  Once the oil is gone, nobody will want to play in that sandbox.
 
If we burn up all the oil, we’ve eliminated a problem for our children.  Prius driving assholes want to pass along the problem to our children.  Sure, leave just enough oil in the ground so they remain hooked on the problem we gave them.  But when oil gets scarce, if the answer is smaller cars, we’re giving our kids an inheritance of scooters and smog.
 
If we burn up all the oil, we’ll move on to new technology that will not be based on combustion.  Solar power, nuclear energy, centrally created and distributed across the existing electrical network, will fuel the new generation of vehicles.  No exhaust gas, no hazy afternoons.  The universe is full of nuclear engines, millions of stars, bursting with energy.  Yet, we’ve never found a single star that is fueled by oil.  Nuclear power was God’s choice in lighting up the universe, and it should be ours too.
 
But the Prius drivers don’t want that.  They want to hang on to the past.  Screw those Neanderthals!  Drive Hummers, Escalades, Suburbans, Excursions, drive them one and all!  And remember it’s for the kids, and that’s the best reason of all.

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