New
drugs are great. In the name of treating some never heard
of problem they are instead amping up the personalities of
the unwitting.
I've already commented on Requip, the drug for the scourge
Restless Leg Syndrome (was that a band in the '80's?). But
it's worth a double shot, so let me repeat the real, can't
make this up, set of side effects that the drug
maker admits
to.
From the official website:
“Prescription Requip is not for everyone. Requip Tablets
may cause you to fall asleep or feel very sleepy during
normal activities such as driving; or to faint or feel
dizzy, nauseated, or sweaty when you stand up. Tell your
doctor if you experience these problems or if you drink
alcohol or are taking other medicines that make you drowsy.
Also tell your doctor if you experience new or increased
gambling, sexual, or other intense urges while taking
Requip. Side effects include nausea, drowsiness, vomiting,
and dizziness. Most patients were not bothered enough to
stop taking Requip”
This is
a whole party in a pill. In fact, this sounds like a good
Friday night to me. The fun implied fact is that people who
were falling asleep driving, gambling and screwing
compulsively, and staggering around spewing vomit were
entrusted to judge whether they were bothered enough to
need to quit. Nice.
Anyway, if you be turned from a leg scratcher to someone
Vegas would be proud to disown, there's room for innovation
like this. Here are five new drugs hitting the market on
the heels of Requip.
1.
Polezac
This
drug treats depression and is not for everyone. Polezac
tablets may make you see things that aren't there (or are
they?), hear things that aren't there (or were they?), and
feel hot during humid summer days or cold during winter
months. Polezac tablets may also cause you to experience an
urge to begin pole-dancing. You may attempt to justify this
urge as aerobic exercise, but if you find yourself
competing on Monday amateur nights at the Crazy Horse,
please contact your doctor, who will be in the audience. To
win amateur night, please double dosage. Most patients who
won $500 at amateur night were not bothered enough stop
taking Polezac.
2.
Sexium
This
drug treats reflux acid disorder and is not for everyone.
Sexium may make you feel like it is ok to eat a third hot
dog, or a sixth slice of pizza. When taken by pot-bellied
middle-aged men, Sexium may create the delusion that the
patient is "too sexy for my body" and an urge to undertake
a rigorous exercise regimen "to get down to my screwing
weight." If you are such a person, please contact your
doctor, if that doctor is Kervorkian.
3.
Viagrow
This
drug treats flacid-reflex syndrome and is not for everyone,
especially not persons who have ever entered a John Holmes
look-alike contest or who have ever met Ron Jeremy. When
taken regularly, this drug may cause the patient's genital
member to increase in size to such a point that the patient
will be asked to ride with Hell's Angels even if he is on a
motorscooter and his used prius will be seen as an ironic
counterpoint to his placid neighbor's ironically and
tragically misnamed "Hummer" H3. This drug is always sold
out.
4.
Perkyset
This
drug treats headaches and mild muscle discomfort and is not
for everyone, unless they are women. Persons who take
Perkyset find their breasts becoming fuller, rounder,
tighter, and generally more lucious, as the effects of
years of gravity are quickly reversed. Perkyset users
report hearing auditory comments, such as, "bad ass rack,"
"angry titties," and "who's your surgeon." If you hear
these comments, contact your doctor, if your doctor is me.
5.
XanaxXx
This
drug treats mild bland personality disorder and is not for
everyone. Users up to age forty-five may experience urges
to "go Goth" take "X" and find themselves waking up at
three a.m. dressed in nothing but knee high black leather
boots surrounded by one or more persons who look oddly and
unsettlingly sated. If the patient is hot and female,
please contact me, and I will contact your doctor for you,
after we meet for drinks.
Return Home Email me