Are you stuck in a dead-end job that is slowly stealing your youth, sapping your dignity, and stupefying your mind? Well, of course you are. Do you wish you could change careers, start over, and do something meaningful? Of course you do, but you probably won't. But just in case you still harbor the illusion, please feel free to slip over to CNNMoney.com's Jobs section where they are spewing an article on the "new new careers" and give you profiles of five of the "hottest you can get into now." The problem is, they are lying. These jobs either aren't hot, or you can't get into them now.

Here they are:

1. Disease Mapper ($40,000-$150,000)

This job involves making maps about where diseases might spread. Obviously this field is full of crack geniuses. Remember SARS? It was going to spread around the world and kill everyone. Avian flu? Nope. Ebola? Nope. AIDS? Ok, that one did spread everywhere. I hope the guys predicting those things were around the 40G range, because they caused a lot of crap for nothing. Anyway, so you get to be wrong all the time. Big deal, most jobs (especially U.S. president) allow this too. How many of these jobs can there be anyway? But if the idea of staring at atlases all day, every day, using different color highlighters on them, seems exciting, please apply.

2. Robot Programmer ($40,000-$100,000)

This does sound cool, but trust me it's not. There is not a single robot that you can program to destroy cities, take over the world, or pick up hot chicks for you. These robots sit in the same spot, doing the same thing every day. Kind of like you. But in this case, you get to modify their programs so that instead of creating a four centimeter by five millimeter cut in a piece of sheet metal, the robot creates a four and a half centimeter by five millimeter cut in a piece of sheet metal. Kick-ass!

3. Information Engineer ($70,000-$120,000)

When the decision-makers need a piece of trivia, they'll turn to you if you have this exciting job that involves looking at computer screens every day all day looking up soon to be forgotten bits of data for your overlords. Vacation? No way! You need to be available every day; you're critical! Excited yet? If not, keep reading.

4. Radiosurgeon ($200,000 - $800,000)

Of course, this is not a job you can just "get into now." This job requires specialized training and substantial capital, which are not the sorts of things you're likely to have if you're reading an article like this. But it's important for you to know that jobs like this exist so you can understand who is buying the 1.8 million dollar homes and 200,000 dollar sports cars. This job CNN threw in just to make you feel bad.

5. Second Life Lawyer

Apparently there is something online called Second Life, which it sounds to me should be called Get a Life. It's so boring, apparently, that someone had the idea to become a lawyer in the game. And it is so insanely boring that other people actually made contact with this person. There is no income listed for this career, but I suppose money is not important to someone who only has virtual expenses. The main benefit, according to CNN? "Freedom to be talking to a client while getting a beer out of your home fridge." Some benefit. When I practiced, I always had the freedom to be talking to a client while getting a beer out of my office fridge, which meant it was billable and a write-off.

Conclusion

CNN should have proven to you by now that you have no hope. The new new careers suck as much as the old old careers, and if they have the redeeming quality of paying a lot, you still can't get into the field. None of these jobs, you'll note, boast adventure, an active lifestyle, or frequent contact with hot chicks. Doesn't look good, does it? Look at my list of five new new new careers for better options.

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