This is the first paragraph
from my write-up on CNN's advice on five new crap careers:
"Are you stuck in a dead-end job that is slowly stealing
your youth, sapping your dignity, and stupefying your mind?
Well, of course you are. Do you wish you could change
careers, start over, and do something meaningful? Of course
you do, but you probably won't. But just in case you still
harbor the illusion, please feel free to slip over to
CNNMoney.com's Jobs section where they are spewing an
article on the "new new careers" and give you profiles of
five of the "hottest you can get into now." The problem is,
they are lying. These jobs either aren't hot, or you can't
get into them now."
Here are five new new new careers you should really be
considering.
Here they are:
1. On-Line Porn
Cameraman ($2,000-$3,000)
This job doesn't pay much (the money goes to the corporate
overlords and the girls), but it ain't no cubicle either.
You wear what you want to work, and you spend your days
involved in the act of creation, figuratively and
literally, as you work with your professional peers to
supply a fresh stream of pornography, which is the true
fuel of the internet.
Your job is to man the camera and make sure all looks well
to the subscribers. You are not allowed, of course, to
touch the girls, but on the other hand, you get to see
everything firsthand without ponying up your friend's
credit card number.
2. Pirate
($0-$100,000,000 or up)
True story: pirate attacks are up 14% in 2007. That means
there were pirate attacks in 2006, and now there are even
more of them! This makes pirating one of the hottest fields
going. The good news is that most of the pirate attacks
have taken place off the West Coast of Africa, which means
the booty-rich East Coast of the United States is still
fertile ground. The only downside, really, is avoiding the
U.S. Navy and Coast Guard, but if you do that, you set your
own hours and objectives, and linger in the sweet
satisfaction that hard work will pay off.
3. Maniacal Despot
($1,000,000,000 - $20,000,000,000)
The last few years have seen a rapid decline in the number
of maniacal despots friendly to the United States. This job
in the past provided excellent perks, in that you got to
rule an entire country and raid its treasury provided that
you remained at the beck and call of the current U.S.
Administration. The U.S., however, is currently rolling
through some of these independent contractors due to
unsatisfying job performance, and that means there are sure
to be openings.
4. Lumberjack ($1 -
?)
No one knows or has ever known what a lumberjack makes. But
damn they're cool. They wear flannel because they're
supposed to, not because it's in L.L. Bean. They use big
saws and cut down big trees. They sleep under the stars,
work hard, and live as hearty men, with no part of their
body uncalloused. There is plenty of work for lumberjacks,
as our increasing population and its incessant demands for
living space and consumer goods dictates the continued
destruction of our dwindling natural habitat. Be part of
the future, be a lumberjack.
5. Homicide Detective
($30,000-$90,000)
There will always be homicides, and there will always be
cool dudes (men and women) working the cases. You get to
wear a gun, drink after work, ride around, and use
sarcastic comebacks all day long. You're an up and coming
go-getter, a seasoned veteran making cases, or a washed up
cynic overdue for retirement; all of them are ultra-cool
compared to being a cubicle rat.
Conclusion
CNN sucks. Do one of these five jobs instead.
Return Home Email me