I used to find driving around the city, or on highways or “beltlines” associated with cities, to be a tedious necessity to be endured only to get from point A to point B. But there is new joy on the roadways today, and its name is Road Rage.

When I grew up in the country, there was no such thing as road rage. If a guy went by you at 150 mph, you just looked over at the passenger and said, “There goes Jerry trying out that new carb on his 454.” If someone was blocking you doing 25 mph, you knew it was someone’s grandmother who couldn’t do any better, or ole’ Russell hauling hay. And when you finally passed that person, you waved, using your whole hand instead of your middle finger.

But now I live in a city, one that is growing rapidly, and things are different. It’s clear there are two types of drivers on the road: dangerous idiots, and me. I comprise the me category, and people in other vehicles comprise the dangerous idiots category. I am constantly dealing with idiots who block traffic by going slower than I want to go, or crazed speed demons who want to go faster than I am going. I’ve passed every driver’s test the state has thrown at me and I know how fast one should drive under given conditions. People who go slower or faster than me are just doing it wrong.

I’m sure you can understand, then, why driving could be frustrating for me. But it’s not. See, under the dangerous idiots category, there is a sub-group who exhibit road rage. These people make driving fun. You see them all the time. If, heaven forbid, someone in front of them doesn’t turn right on red right away, you can see the road rage fool in the car behind waving wildly, turning red, cursing, and probably jabbing the horn too. Or, if this person is trapped behind someone doing a mere 75 in a 65, they put on the same act, ramming the throttle totally open when they finally get a chance to pass, just to make sure everyone can see just how inconvenienced the road rage fool has been.

I love this. When I see it, I love to contribute to the road rage fool’s fury by mimicking the behavior that sets them off, within the bounds of the law of course. And when possible, I make sure to smile serenely at the road rager, because nothing upsets them more than the thought that other people do not find the “delay” they are suffering to be a serious injustice.

I just cannot understand why people get in a car and let any traffic anomaly turn them into an anger-possessed asshole. You just know these people are on the way home to watch TV, or on the way to the golf course to shoot a 98, or get their hair done, or some other non-critical activity. You can bank on the fact, though, that these fools do things that cost other people time, if by no other way than simply taking up space on the planet for 70 years, but on the road the only thing that matters is their personal desire to be where they’re trying to go without being two seconds later than the most efficient traffic conditions would allow.

If you are a road rager, please know that I am on the road too, and I enjoy the occasional pause at the red light, or the slow drifting of traffic at the speed limit or so, just as much as I enjoy doing 100 mph. None of it bothers me or matters at all. And if I see you having a heart attack over the situation, well it just makes my day a little brighter. Finally, imagine if someone acted the way you act toward your mother when she was driving to the grocery store. You’d think that person was an inconsiderate asshole. You’re right; you are.

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