A lot of studies say that about 10% of the population is gay, while others say the number is about 2%. Why the disagreement? It’s because so many men dress “gay” who aren’t gay. That means that for every gay guy there are at least four guys who look gay based on the way they dress. Given that most gay guys don’t even dress gay, the number is probably more like ten straight dudes dressing gay for every gay guy dressing gay.
The short story? You may be dressing gay. Read on to find out if you are, and how to stop.
One more note. Just because something works for someone else does not mean it will work for you. Examples: Regis wears shirts and ties the same color. He gets more popular and bigger checks. You wear shirts and ties the same color. You get free admission to YMCA night at the local gay rave and the Czech is in the male (hint: you’ll be the male). Bono wears big Hollywood sunglasses. He gets photographed with the Pope and nominated for the Nobel Peace Price. You wear big Hollywood sunglasses. You get photographed with a pole (in your mouth).
On to the show.
Facial Hair:
There only two acceptable ways to go here. Shaved or unshaved. If you have some queer ass highly manicured face you are wrong,
Keeping it simple is keeping it manly. Go full bush or bare. Nothing in the middle. All of that elaborate shit screams that you want a rod in your mouth as soon as possible.
Note: Advice does not apply to Old West gunfighters, all of whom are currently dead and expected to stay that way.
Jewelry:
You have two choices here guido. If you have anything more than a watch and a simple wedding band then you are once again WRONG!
I don’t care if you graduated valedictorian from the University of Bad-Ass, throw that pimp nugget class ring in the garbage and hit yourself in the nuts for thinking it was a good purchase. No one gives a shit where you spent five years throwing up cheap beer and not getting laid.
Your wedding ring should be a simple band of gold, white gold, or platinum. No engraving; you aren’t in Lord of the Rings. And, do I have to say this, no diamonds. Diamonds are for funding wars in Africa in case you are behind on your current events, not for your finger dumbass.
Your watch should match your age. Under 55: stainless steel; over 55: you may add gold. Unless you are Flavor Flave, try to keep that piece of shit to a reasonable size. Don’t wear a diving watch if you are afraid of water and don’t wear a sport watch if you are a fat lump.
Note: Advice does not apply to Denzel Washington in Training Day, Italian Mafia, or ‘70’s porn stars.
Scent:
You like cologne? You are broadcasting to the world that you are either too lazy to shower or that once again, you love a big fatty rammed down your throat.
You may smell like any brand of unscented soap…Ivory…Lever 2000 and so on. Screw it…you can even rock some Irish Spring on St. Patrick’s day if you feel like it.
You may also smell like sweat, provided you have done something that makes you sweat. Working in the yard? Fine manly smell. Beating up a mugger? Solid work! But if you are a lard lump who sweats when you eat…go home and don’t come out again until you have fixed what the fuck is wrong with you.
Sweat or soap…pretty easy.
Note: Advice applies to everyone.
Clothes:
Your clothes should be made of a natural fabric. Cotton is the only natural fabric in case you don’t have a periodic table in front of you. Silk comes from a worm’s ass; that means it is shit…flush it.
Many people say, what about technical gear? Well, technically you’re gay if you wear that stuff in the office or on your way to the local pub.
If you regularly climb Mt. Everest you may wear synthetic materials for that climb. If you walk around the mall wearing clothes certified for -60 degree weather you are a retard.
You may buy clothes in the following colors: blue, black, brown, white, grey, green and sometimes red. Feel free to mix and match all of them. You may not buy any “light” version of the approved colors and you may not buy anything called a pastel! Fag!
You should be able to put at least 3 fingers in the waistline of your pants. Unless you are the lead singer in a multi-platinum hairband they should never be tight enough to show even a hint of your junk.
Your pants should have only one zipper. Got it? If your pants convert to shorts feel free to remove the leggings and choke yourself with them! If you’re wearing pleated pants to hide the fact that you’re fat, you’re hiding it alright – from yourself.
Wear a shirt with buttons on it to work. Sweatshirts and tee shirts are always good for working out or hanging out. If your body is a breeding ground for fat cells, don’t think you can hide your gut by wearing a team jersey for a sport where the guys wear pads. In fact, why are you wearing sports logos anytime, except during a game? If you need to pull for somebody, how about pulling for our country! We’re in a war, damn it; wear a battle dress uniform while you’re out drinking. Support the troops, not overpaid sports drones!
Note: Advice does not apply to people actually on expeditions, spending more than one day in the woods, or Sir Edmund Hillary.
Hair:
Cut it you fucking hippie. It is called a barber shop. Visit one. No product, no dyes; nothing but scissors. If you have to make an appointment to get your haircut, change your name to Nancy.
Indians used to have ponytails so they could be dragged off the field of battle if they were mortally wounded. That’s the only valid reason I’ve ever heard to have another guy pulling your hair from behind. So unless you’re chief Running Bull, you need to lose the tail, unless of course your Top needs it to keep you from slipping out from under him.
Note: Advice does not apply to Native Americans or people who have been riding Harleys for more than twenty years.
Shoes:
They should fit the task. Boots for working or kicking muggers’ asses. Running shoes for running, bowling shoes for bowling, sandals for walking on the sand, cross-trainers for church. They name the shoes according to what you do with them, idiot!
Glasses:
Look like this and you’re ok.
Look like this and you should quit reading my site.
There. If you look gay now, it’s your own choice. Be proud!
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