You only get one chance to avoid being laughed at by an anonymous ether entity you’ve never met, so make your best effort. Here are things to avoid:

1. Don’t Lament On-line Dating

I have read several profiles that start out, “I can’t believe I’m doing this.” Yeah, I can’t believe it either. Here you actually have a chance to have ME look you over, and you blow it right away by insulting me by implication. You’re amazed you have to stoop to the level of the audience you’re writing for? Nice. Nothing you write after this can save you. Anyone contacting you after an opening line like that is married, violent, hiding positive test results, or all three. Enjoy your downfall.

2. Don’t Describe the Last Goob You Were With

Many people waste time describing the person they don’t want, which happens to describe the last person they dated. Nice way to let everyone know you’re not over your last failure and that you’re running away from the past instead of running toward the future. If you do this, you’re a loser.

3. You like to Walk on the Beach and Watch Sunsets. Who cares?

Do you also like to breathe? Thanks for the pointless information. Everyone likes that stuff. So, you’re like everybody. Great! Do you dislike nuclear armageddon and regional genocide? How would I know unless you tell me? That’s right; I make the assumption that most people like pleasant things and dislike horrible things. Tell me something about you that makes you seem interesting. Stop wasting everybody’s time.

4. Do Be Honest

If you’re a mouth-breathing, couch-dwelling, time-marking loser who is only looking for someone to avoid loneliness rather than build a mutually edifying relationship, say so. You will save yourself heartache and other people time. If you’re almost bald, tell it. If you’re fat, don’t say you have a few extra pounds. Telling lies won’t get you far; it hasn’t worked yet, has it?

5. Don’t Pretend to Like Stuff You Think Guys Will Like

You love to watch sports, drink beer, work on cars, take things apart, and work about camshafts? Hey, you’re a guy then! You could pull that crap off for maybe two weeks and then you’d start to pull back, leaving the guy wondering what’s wrong. What’s wrong is you pretended to be something you’re not to catch a guy, and now you want to go back to being what you are and you want him to be ok with that. That’s called your problem. Deal with it up front.

6. Only Pictures of You

Are you a world-famous photographer? Didn't think so. That means the only reason a guy is looking at your pictures is to see if you are hot enough to nail. He doesn't want to see a picture of the sunset or your friends. Pray to God he doesn't want to see a picture of your animal. And WTF are you thinking putting a picture of your child on the internet!!!???? So, just a picture of you. And no "myspace angle" pictures either. If you're fat, own up. You really don't look thinner in person, just put the picture up. If the camera adds 10 pounds, then you must have eaten three.

Sample Profiles

Here are two sample profiles that are winners. They are honest and upfront. The people who respond to these profiles know what they’re getting, and I bet you could feel the romance in the air when someone meets one of these. Read these and inculcate the knowledge. Feel free to use parts of these for your own profiles; you haven't been original yet, so why start now?

Profile Number One

I may want to kill you, but I probably won’t

I can’t believe I’m trying on-line dating! These days, it just seems too hard to meet the right kind of people in or behind bars. I’m kind of shy and I’m kind of nervous writing this, but nothing ventured nothing gained!!

I’m a single person, who is fun-loving and who likes to try new things. Are you that kind of person too? If so, let’s talk! I’d love to meet you and know where you live. I hope we can get along because I value communication and expression of feelings in a relationship. Now, there is something you should know about me.

Let’s get this out of the way early, because I’ve been disappointed by meeting people who seem to have common interests only to find that our backgrounds divide us later. I have hardly killed anyone. Probably I have never killed anyone you know, or even tried to kill anyone you know, and if I have, I apologize if it affected you in any way.

In the course of my life, I have met thousands of people. I can safely say that I have killed less than a tenth of one-percent of the people I have met, and no one who I haven’t met. I have tried unsuccessfully to kill only a statistically insignificant number of people over those amounts. Finally, I doubt I will kill any one again anyway, even if I want to. There are lots of reasons for that, many personal, that we can discuss in person.

What I need is someone who can put this tiny part of my past in perspective. For example, in the relative scale of danger, I’m not nearly as dangerous as some of your probably common activities. Here are some extracted examples in order of danger:

Activity Odds of Fatality

1. Dr. Kervorkian patient 1 in 1
2. Roadside trash-pickup in Iraq 1 in 340
11. Infant at Pit-Bull guarded Day Care Center 1 in 1100
26. Lightning while swimming 1 in 10,500
35. Falling in Bathtub 1 in 13,450
48. Knowing me 1 in 16,000
50. Walking on Sidewalk 1 in 25,000

So you can see that knowing me is safer than taking a bath and almost as safe as walking on a sidewalk. That’s pretty safe, and even though I regret taking lives, I’m still proud to be safer to be around than your average tub. So, please don’t write me off without giving me a chance. I could be your perfect match.

Most evenings I stay in. I like to watch television and walk in the yard from 1 to 2, on alternating weekdays. I’m good at crafts, especially metalwork, and I can make a mean license plate. I hope you enjoy those sorts of things too. I will be available for outside dating hopefully after the next parole meeting, but in the meantime if we hit it off, you’re welcome to come by my place during visiting hours and we can get to know each other face to face over the telephone.

I look forward to hearing from you!

Profile Number Two

Please Be With Me
 
I wish someone would be with me.  I want someone who likes me for me.  I enjoy quiet evenings spent staring mindlessly at the television, interrupted only by the need to satisfy biological urges such as eating or relieving myself.  There are many wonderful things in the world, and I want to know as little as possible about anything except those things directly necessary to carry on my mundane and unexceptional existence.  I enjoy exercise whenever a new fad comes out, but mostly I can be quite intense when trying to find a parking space as close as possible to the discount chain I happen to be visiting.
 
I’m frugal.  My carefully calibrated minimalist efforts in my career support my objective of not being a crass materialist.  Since I don’t make much money, I weigh each purchase carefully for its impact on my razor-thin budget.
 
I’m caring.  I care about what you do and how it impacts me.  I want to know where you are all the time, and whether you agree with everything I’m saying.
 
I’m considerate.  I consider all the things that affect me, and I let you know which ones displease me.  I’m a great communicator that way.
 
I enjoy others.  I like bringing other people into my circle of self-centered depression, and I work tirelessly not on my own problems, but on keeping other people involved in my problems.
 
So if you can be there in the tough times for me, and for whatever other kinds of times there might be, please contact me.  I’d be glad to split dinner with you. 

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