Twenty years ago, if someone was about to do something pleasurable, that person might say, “I just can’t help myself.” Usually, he said this just before stuffing a big piece of cake in his mouth, or downing a third hot-dog. Now, all anybody wants to do is help themselves. We’ve gone from “I can’t help myself and that’s good” to “I need to help myself, and I need other people to help me too.” Self-help is fine; the self-help industry is bullshit.

If you think your life is going to be made better by reading a “book” written by some grinning idiot glamour-shot on the cover of a paperback, or by “The Secret” revealed to and by Rhonda, you’re an idiot. And maybe these sorts of people can help idiots; I don’t know because I’m not an idiot. The secret to happiness was not hidden under a rock thousands of years ago, and it doesn’t come from bleach-toothed, hair-dyed salesmen. Ever see Jesus on the cover of a Bible grinning? No, Jesus always looked serious, like he knew something you didn’t. And Jesus had heaven to share with you.

Where I come from self-help works like this: help yourself. Get off your ass and do what you need to do.

To be happy, you need to stop doing and being around the things that make you sad. You need to do and be around the things that make you happy. You need to accept who you are and live within your means. You need to be honest with yourself and others. You need to make real efforts at these things. End of book. Please send me $14.99. What, you didn’t get as much out of that as the other junk you’ve read? Now who’s lying? And lying makes you unhappy. You need to send me the money to be honest, and you need to be honest to be happy. Actually, don’t send me any money. Keep it. Spend it on yourself or someone you care about. Now, back to the rant.

Here’s how it works. Money is the root of all evil. You send money to people who promise an easy way to happiness. You have less money, so you are further from the root of all evil, and moving away from evil is moving toward happiness. There it is. The key to happiness is being broke, and so you should be about as happy as happy can be.

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