In the old days, drugs were one of two kind: 1) designed to make you feel good (called illegal drugs); or 2) designed to make you more healthy (legal drugs – excluding alcohol, nicotine and diet mountain dew). Consequently, there were not many drugs, and those that existed were clearly of a serious purpose.

But somewhere between the time the Dukes of Hazzard went off the air and The A-Team came on the air, things changed. Illegal drugs have continued their tradition of evolving new and more dangerous ways of getting high so I’m not talking about those. Legal drugs have undergone a revolution. Legal drugs have moved heavily into the arena of comfort engineering.

Jumping right on the bandwagon of the new self-empowerment and the age of therapy, disorders, and –ism’s, pharmaceutical companies began big marketing campaigns to sell drugs that were not life critical but which were highly profitable. Step 1: make a list of things people find irritating (sleeping too little, sleeping too late, too little energy, too much energy, and so on). Step 2: try various drugs on groups to see if any reported a decrease of an irritating situation. Step 3: advertise like crazy to convince a significant portion of the population that the heretofore never heard of irritating thing is now a syndrome or disorder, but fortunately can be treated. Step 4: sell pills like mad to the newly enlightened populace.

Now, I’m from the old school that says before you pop a pill to fix yourself, trying fixing yourself first. Confront your problems, deal with your issues, be active and get on top of life. Unfortunately, doing those things doesn’t help the economy, and for most people is just too much effort. Pills to the rescue.

I’ve spent a lot of time despising this whole new trend, but I’ve been a fool. I’ve been a pawn in a much larger game. For the first time, I can see that pharma companies have been juicing the willing populace on an ever-increasing cascade of pills toward a greater good. They have been racing like mad with no goal other than saving Western Civilization as we know it.

Sure, while divorce rates skyrocket and the people tend ever toward morbid obesity as the new standard and the thought of personal responsibility continues to lose visibility, it’s easy to think pharma companies are just milking the new softness for profit, but they are not.

Here’s the proof: Requip.

Requip is a drug for a crap condition called Restless Leg Syndrome. I’m sure there are some people who have a real problem, but the people promoting this syndrome say as many as 10% of the American population suffers, that’s thirty million potential customers, I mean afflicted, and that sounds like crap right off the bat. Here’s how you can tell if you have RLS:

1. Do you have legs?
2. Are they sometimes restless?

If the answer to either of those questions is yes, you have the condition. If the answer to either question is no, you may have what is now coming to be known as PRLS: Phantom Restless Leg Syndrome. In either case, you need help.

Take Requip. The maker says it’s not for everybody (like, for example, the executives of the company who make the drug or the scientists who understand it or people too poor to afford it). But, it’s probably for you. Now, here’s the fun part, and I kid you not: side effects.

From the official website:
“Prescription Requip is not for everyone. Requip Tablets may cause you to fall asleep or feel very sleepy during normal activities such as driving; or to faint or feel dizzy, nauseated, or sweaty when you stand up. Tell your doctor if you experience these problems or if you drink alcohol or are taking other medicines that make you drowsy. Also tell your doctor if you experience new or increased gambling, sexual, or other intense urges while taking Requip. Side effects include nausea, drowsiness, vomiting, and dizziness. Most patients were not bothered enough to stop taking Requip”

This stuff makes your legs calm down a bit, and for that life changing experience, you may:

1. fall asleep while driving;
2. gamble yourself to the poorhouse;
3. List yourself on craigslist as a “host”;
4. Or vomit and pass-out when you realize you’re a broke, gambling ‘ho.

In my skewed worldview, those effects would be more important than making my legs feel a little less like dancin’. In fact, I’d call those the main effects, and the leg deadener a side effect. But then, I’m not selling the stuff.

Still, the implications are vast. Here’s a pill that can make a person: more likely to have sex, more likely to gamble, less likely to runaway from those things, and more likely to fall asleep if they do make it to their car. I see a lot of off-label use being marketed. Imagine your wife/girlfriend does the following things: 1) bets on the game at the super-bowl party, every quarter, 2) fellates you in the parking lot before you leave the party, and 3) falls asleep in the car on the way back. Divorce or breakup? I don’t think so. Witness the resurgence of the institution of marriage! Western civilization saved!

The drug maker orders you to tell your doctor if you feel intense urges such as gambling or sex. Please, however, also report those events to me. I’m currently studying the effects of Requip on female coeds ages 21-25, and a control group ages 26-46. If you fit that profile, please let me know if Requip is causing an intense sexual urge.

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