The pentagon, which won't say anything about the orientation of its troops, will neither confirm nor deny whether a special force has been inserted into the Iraqi operational theater to perform special missions. When Pentagon spokesman Phil MacCracken was asked, all he said was, "Don't ask, Don't tell, baby." And then he winked.
Nevertheless, details are emerging. Below is a picture believed by sources to be this special unit:
Their Motto? "Never Leave your Buddy's Behind"
This elite force is commanded by a shadowy figure known as General S, pointed out below.
In an exclusive interview with KernelofWisdom, the General opened up on a recent mission:
General "S" had this to say (redacted for operational security), "The men were great. First, we reviewed the objective, which was [classified]. The men formed up into a [classified] and things went well until [classified]. We reacted quickly by [classified]. As you can imagine, [classified]. That turned things around and we were able to [classified]. Once we reached [classified] we [classified] until [classified] and then [classified]. I'd like to say to my family, I [classified] and wish you were [classified]." Then he flipped his scarf back to jaunty angle, drained the last of his Island Mist Wine Cooler, and said, "I'd love to chat more, but I've got to get back to the guys to have brunch."
As you can see, details of this elusive unit's missions are sketchy. Nevertheless, the General gave us access to some of the troops and we gained further details. Lance Cpl. Neal Enblow said, "It was so important to us to fit into the environment. We decided to stick with earth tones for our outfits. It works well with our skin tones and matches most everything here, since the Iraqi national color is tan." Gunnery Sgt. Ben Dover agreed, "We get so hot and sweaty out here, and good dry cleaners are hard to come by. Want a nice silk shirt and some basic chinos? Who doesn't, but here that kind of combo just doesn't work." E-1 Will Mafingerdo joined the chorus, "With all we've got to do here, who wants to worry about wardrobe issues? We're keeping it simple with basic brown on tan and boots to match."
Asked to give a non-specific overview of the unit's mission profile, General S. spoke. "Our mission is to insert, and be in and out and in and out before the enemy knows we came. Our goal is to penetrate hard with an offensive thrust, and we don't extract until we unload." Asked to give some examples of the types of operations that would support this mission profile, the General elaborated. "There is a lot of stress here, and pent up emotions. We'll go in and maybe hold a sensitivity seminar, and let local insurgents express their feelings in a roundtable environment. It's all about communication. We can also provide fashion guidance to the local populace. Have you seen the clothes these guys wear? Uh, 1982 called, they want their M.C. Hammer pants back."
In the picture below, General S relaxes after a successful soiree. With a picture like this, and I promise nothing is photoshopped but the nametag, all we can say is, "You've got a face for radio kid!"
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